Old Wound

2008

-Window-

I'm so fucking lost. This is not how I remember being or feeling. Everyday I feel like shit, and its getting worse and worse. Constant knots in my stomach, making me want to hurl with every breath I take. I fucking hate this. How could I let this happen again. I was so careful.

As if my subconscious is doing all the work and I'm just ridding along. I'm loosing control. No, I already lost control. I'm in neck deep. I feel helpless. I was so careful.

River Of Tears

2005

"I drove twelve hundred miles for you"

"Babe, I told you wouldn't like it here!"

This is my fuck up...fuck! I should have never even mentioned that its possible for her to stay with me. It has only been two weeks, and her tears won't stop. This is not going to end. The city is too different for her, she can't adapt. She will drive me and her self crazy.

"I know, I was going to deal with the city...its you I can't hold onto. You are constantly out and on the go..."

"This a new place for me! I barely know anyone here. I need to be out to get connected with people. You like the nice apartment, you like the cadi, and you defiantly like the fancy restaurants...so please give a break!"

I'm such an idiot. I should have put an end to it three months ago. Makes me feel like shit every time I see her cry.

Quicksand

2005

-Hotel-

It is unbelievable how fast two can connect. One second you're introducing your self, the next second you have a knot in your stomach when you haven't heard from her in the past five hours. That feeling is what tells you that you are connected, attached. Now there is a possibility of that connection to be cut...with that possibility we become vulnerable. There is nothing you can do after that but to try your best and make sure the threads don't tear.

So what the fuck are you doing? What happened to 'hit it and leave it' ? Mr. No One Presents A Challenge.
Look at your self. You have been with her four times this week. You anticipate her phone calls for crying out loud! You have been whipped with out realizing it. You are being sucked in deeper and deeper.

Ah now the reality is hitting you? Thats right! You are in a haze, but it will clear up in a couple weeks.....and your will become bored. It will be too late...

*Ring*

...its already fucking late. To answer or not to answer. Either way you will hurt her!

8 Lives Left

2003

-Kitchen-

"...babe tell me!"

"I was about nine. Hanging out with friends at an abandoned construction site..."

"Haha, what? Why in the world did ya hang out at a construction site?"

"It was a regular thing, back then half of the buildings never got finished. Economy problems I guess. I don't know, I was too young. We were also infatuated with heights. Anyway. In the previous hour I fell off a tree I was climbing. Branch snapped. I didn't get hurt...but till this day I still think there was irony in that fall. Pissed off at the branch I carried it with me, don't ask me why.
Back to the construction site. It was the seventh floor that was never finished. "You're it" game was held. About twenty minutes into the game I found my self being chased by one of my friends on the very top floor of the building. Little did we notice...garbage shoots were installed. Seventh floor's garbage shoot was never covered, leaving a 3x3 foot hole in the floor...unmarked"

"Oh...no!"

"It happened so fast. In a blink of an eye.....I was hanging. Holding on by one hand, onto the damn stick. As I fell, the branch held on to the sides. In shock, I was looking down...screaming. I felt someone grab my hand. Then I heard my friend yell at me "Dai Ruku!" ...give me your other hand. After he pulled me out, I just laid there starring at that fucking branch as if it was God"

200 Miles An Hour

2006

-Car-

"...oh you are the biggest fucking hypocrite! You keep saying that you want to slow down..."

"I do"

"Ha, ok. I see the exact opposite"

"Give me a brake"

"No! You always complain to me that you can't find anything worth putting both feet into....yet you never even test the waters"

She's fucking right...I don't remember last time I even tried to stick around. It's the distractions. Fucking distractions every where...I can't even catch a breath. How am I suppose to let someone in, when there is no way they can keep up.

"Listen, you just need to slow down. I bet you have passed so many good ones with out even knowing it. Just fucking try it. Pussy. What are you scared of?"

Sticky Fingers

1996

-Playground-

Here he comes. That silly smile on his face tells me he's got something stupid on his mind. Wounder why he didn't just tell me what he wanted to tell me in class. I would try to guess, but with Sergey...anything is possible. Like a month ago he stole that Lada. Operantly if the keys are in the car, it begs to be taken. Honking out side my window. I knew right away that shit was stolen. Aside from being too young and too poor, Sergey got sticky fingers. What did he get his hands on now?

"Hey man, follow me!"

As we walk towards the abandoned kinder garden I see he is pulling out a match box. Shaking it in front of my face, but not saying a word. Asshole. Whats in it? Gun powder? That could be fun.

"Whats in the box?"

"...marijuanka"

Bull shit! No way...oh shit it is. How the hell did he get his hands on it? Sneaky bastard. He probably doesn't even know how to smoke it. The only thing that me and him tried was cigarettes...and I almost choked to death. Those things were fucking disgusting. Not to mention the hell my mother gave me when she smelled them on me. This should be fun...

The Apple Fell Far

2008

-Bathroom-

"This is your choice..."

"I know this is my choice! The question is are you ok with it?"

"I'll be here no matter what you decide"

Having said those words...do I really mean it? I bet she is also questioning if I mean it or not. She knows me too well and I can see that she is doubting my words. Common, at least don't lie to your self. You are not ready. You are far far away from being ready. Fatherhood? Marriage? Thats the last thing you need...you're too young. I'm too young.

"...yea, I'm not so sure about that. You don't know how to commit"

If I commit now, could I end up like my father...end up walking out on them? I remember my mother's face on that day. I never want to see anyone go through that. Could I cause such a thing? I don't want to be like him. I want to run, but thats what he did. I'm not like him. Underneath all that gold armor, he was weak and scared. I'm not like him!

Mr. Murphy

2003

-Parking Lot-


"Man the heads are gana roll if he finds out what we just did!"

"Yea I know...fuck it, it's done"

At the moment I couldn't care less about that asshole. I stood by without raising my hand for far too long. He deserves to get the end of the whip on this one. Can't believe he actually though I would go through with it.

"Shit, I don't know about you but I'm leaving tonight"

Thats the smartest thing I've heard you say yet. I have leverage. You've got nothing but bad luck that follows you everywhere you go. Poor fucking guy. How do you get put in a mental house against your will? You're not even crazy...compared to me. A twitch here and there never bothered anyone. Then you go and bet away your pinky and the ring finger on a stupid poker game. And the one that still bottles my mind is how in the world did you survive being struck by lightning. Shit, what are the chances?

Lechery

2006

-Bedroom-

"Sleep good?"

I shouldn't have drank last night. This was a mistake. You fall to seduction too easily. Again and again...never learn. What do you expect is going to happen when you drown your self in alcohol and flirt with every female you see. You crave for lust at first sight. Being addicted. It's like a fix for you. But when you wake up, I have to deal with the consequences. I clean up your mess.

"...you alright?"

Good question...physically or mentally? My head is cracking apart from dehydration. I want to throw up.

"Please leave"

"What?...Are you serious?"

"Yes"

"Why are you being such a dick?"

I would explain...but I just don't have the energy.

New Chapter

2008

-The Atlantic-

I know how much you wanted this. To get away from it all. Just us and the water. I see such happiness in your eyes.

I've never sailed this far before. We're about eleven miles away from Long Island. I can't even see the land anymore. What a great feeling...looking in all directions and not seeing a thing. Such peace and quiet. No cars honking. No people yelling. No sirens. Just wind blowing through my hair and the sound of tiny waves splashing against the side of the boat.

Staring at the sun you grab my hand.

"...this is us"

Is it? I hope you're right...

Staircase Memorial

1995

-Staircase-

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

One, two, three....

This stain is never going away. It seems like the blood has soaked into the concrete. I've seen Mrs. Nadiya clean this step at least three times. I think it brings back a very bad memory for her. Every day after school I used to see her sell potatoes, carrots and cucumbers at the market. Now the only time I see her is once a week, sitting on this step. Very sad. Mom always tries to talk to her, but Mrs. Nadiya just doesn't say anything...

It was kind of creepy for me the first few weeks. Having those images flash before my eyes. Some one just laying there, so lifeless. Bunch of questions storming through my mind. Like, what really happened? Was he in trouble? I've never seen Mr. Vitali argue with anyone. He always seemed so kind. Maybe someone tried to rob him. He was a big guy, so maybe he fought back?

...now I don't really feel much when I look at it.

Fair Trade

2006

-Bed-

If you hear me, please come get me! I can't take it any longer. Get me out of this body. There is nothing left. I'm on empty.

I don't want to see tomorrow. I don't deserve it...he did. He was innocent, yet you took him. In an instant he was gone. Why not me? How can you let me live. We were right next to each other. It should have been me. After all I've done, you let me live. Why...

Something heavy...its on me and I can't breathe.

Please! Just take me. End it. I'm ready.

I'm down here...few seconds to live.

His Job

2003

-Backyard-

"You are out of your fucking mind if you think I'm following you in there!"

"What ever, just put your phone on vibrate and wait by the car"

"How long is it going to take?"

...well thats comforting. Man I really hope there is no one in there. I don't know what this prick is capable of. I know for sure that this isn't his first time. He's too calm. I'm out side and my hands are still shaking from the adrenaline. I just hope he doesn't call me to go back inside and help him. Last thing I need is a fucking B&E charge.

I just can't stop imagining how bad this can go. All these random thoughts and images. Someone being in the house. A nosy neighbor spotting us. Cops coming out of nowhere. And the worst one out of all of them is my girl finding out. I made her a promise...

Just looking at this house makes me feel uneasy. I know what we're doing is wrong but frankly, I don't have a choice. And that prick in there knows that. He knows that I won't leave him. Which makes me feel even worse, its like I'm trapped. I say I don't have a choice, but its me that puts me in these fucking situations. As if subconsciously I get rid of all the other possible options...leaving me with the worst one.

No, no, no! Why did the light on the second floor just turn on?

Big Mouth

1994

-Apartment-

Shades? Thats strange, Dad never wears sunglasses. Oh shit, is that a bruise? He's trying to hide a bruise! My mother is not that stupid. She can see it. I know she can because I see her hands trembling.

Who are these jackasses following him? Jesus, one of them looks like he should be sumo wrestling. Assholes coming in like they own the place!

"Hunny, take him and go into the bedroom!"

I can feel her panicking as she pulls me behind her. What did he do now?

"Look at me, everything is fine. Just sit here and watch TV. I'll be outside with Daddy"

How dumb does she think I am? I can hear everything through that door. I hear them mentioning our cars. I can't believe this is happening again! He just got them. And I bet its because of that party a couple weeks ago. He kept bragging how he got two benzes. Mother keeps begging him to quit showing off. He never learns.

I thought you would realize how big your mouth is a year ago. All that money! You could have moved us into Moscow where no one knows us. The future would have been made for us. No, you bought two restaurants and a club instead. You put your self on the map and they found you. They took it all, and now they're taking it again!

Room For Two

2006

-Store-

Who in the world came up with an idea to bend a mirror? Looking at a convex mirror is like staring a cat in the eyes...there just something odd about it. This mirror stretches you. Spreading the image in every direction..as if magnifying the center while still showing you every side. Nothing is hidden.

Seeing my reflection...all my flaws are magnified. That face, I know you. Not the side that everyone sees. No colors here. The real you. The side that does what ever it can to survive. You adapt like a chameleon. You change to blend in with everything around you. Standing out is a flaw, when you are what you are. Being the light...you spreads onto others like a plague. Using deception, you control and navigate. You are a virus within humanity. Something so natural, you turned it into an emotional calculation. As if love is some kind of a math problem. No trust, no faith....no expectation.

I look at my self and I feel separated. I'm not you. I can't be. How can I be you when I don't approve half the shit you do? Its like you have a mind of your own.

Thinking of all we went through. Maybe in some sick, sadistic way I need you. Sometimes you do things I don't have the balls for. You take action when I'm scared and clueless. Even though the actions are not always best, the problem always gets resolved. You put me in horrible situations...yet you protect me.

"Hey, are you going to buy anything?"

Man I'm tripping...its like some kind of psychological mirror.

Natural Order

2001

-School Parking Lot-

What a predictable situation. Poor kid is going to get his ass handed to him. Either he's got a pair or he's just plain stupid. Just give him what he wants and save yourself a bloody nose.

I love the way everyone is just watching. No one is even thinking about stopping this before it escalates. I don't blame them, every one of them is probably thinking that someone else will jump in. Reminds me of the story about Kitty Genovese. Helpless girl was stabbed outside of her front door, while the neighbors watched. They all thought that someone else will call the police...but no one did. Attacker ran off, but when he realized that nobody is coming down to help her...he came back. As she was crawling towards her door, drenched in blood, he proceeded stabbing her.

Why don't I feel sorry for him? Over the years I've stood up for so many people. I've always felt bad when the little guy got picked on. But it seems that no matter what, there will always be someone getting picked on. Is this natural order? Maybe we need the weak just as much as the strong. This society just wouldn't succeed with out any followers. How would this world work if it was filled with dominant males? Thats like placing Hitler, Saddam and Stalin in one room and then asking them to share oxygen.

Then again he does have a cute sister. I'm such a fucking asshole...

Angel

2004

-Airport-

How come no one is picking up that bag? I've seen it go round and round for the past ten minutes. By the way, where the fuck are Pavel's bags? I'll give it ten more minutes...

No way! If it isn't the most gorgeous ponytail in New Orleans. Tight beige shorts, white top, and those simple white sandals. I can spot that fine ass from a mile away. Clumsy yet so sexy. You defiantly knew something other girls didn't. You found a secret way in...I didn't stop you.

My mental state was broken. I wondered if it was my depression that drew you in like a moth to the fire. We only saw each other for two weeks, but for me those two weeks were heaven. As if your presence gave me life. We never fought or argued. You understood me, and you knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. I told you all my secrets, no matter how horrible they were. Not once did you judge me. Some would say that God brought you to me... Yes, you were an angel...but in bed you were a goddess. The sex was something out of this world. Before you, I swear I thought that Tantric sex was something the whales did. You showed me something that I would've never believed. In bed we were like two energy spheres, melting into each other. For hours we dove into a state of trance. Not a care in the world. It was all about us.

The least I can do is welcome you back.

"How was California?"

I see a sparkle come out of your eye.

Escape To Unknown

1997

-Bus-

"I promise, when you get older I will explain!"

I guess that's the best answer you've got. I know, the last week has been hell for you. Dad did a real number on you. On your face, in your eyes...I see sorrow. Even in your voice I can hear deep distress.

Why am I not upset? I think what he did was horrible and very weak...yet I'm not angry at him. Feels more as if I lost respect for him. He was my superman. Always told me to stand up for my self and to never let anyone put me down. Last few years showed me that even a hero can become a loser. Because of his mistakes we're now running.

I just can't believe I will never see this place again. Just thinking about it makes it harder to breathe. I grew up here. All of my friends and relatives are here. All those great memories. Spending summers at Grandma's. Going fishing with all my cousins. Sledding and making snowmen with friends during the winter.

I've never seen Sergey up so early, yet he is out in this cold waving me goodbye. Funny part is that two days ago, he didn't believe me when I said we're flying to America. He kept saying that there is no such place as "Florida" and that I should stop making stuff up.

I'm going miss everyone so much!

I'm scared just thinking about what awaits for me...

Leting Go

2003

-Street-

It has been four months since I last seen your face. Lately its been easier. Used to hurt a lot...honestly, it felt like my heart was torn out of my chest. You hurt me with those words as if they were knives. You left a hole in me. I couldn't believe how something like that could affect me so much. Always heard how bad it is, couldn't accept the possibility of it happening to me. I wasn't prepared. A piece of me died.

I wish people understood how much affect they could have on someone. They let you into their life. They give you their loyalty. They become attached, and they would give up their own life for you in a blink of an eye.

I want to come up there so bad and at least see your face one more time. Although I'm afraid the pain will crawl out and throw me back on that vicious cycle.

I want to believe that what we had, could happen again with someone else. Hopefully I can give my all...again.

She Came, She Conquered

2005

-Balcony-

Feels like the end of the world. The atmosphere is like something out of a movie. People have no idea what to do. Some are packing as much shit as they can into their cars. Others are just walking around trying to find out whats going on. These are people that have been through this before. The looks on their faces...as if a comet is coming down on our heads. I've survived two, but something feels very weird about this one.

I can feel the wind picking up. It actually feels good compared to the heat we've been having. In a few hours the streets are going to be empty and the whole Metairie is going to look like a ghost town.

...I have always wanted to see what it's like to live in an empty city. As a kid I would daydream about waking up, walking out side and not seeing a single soul. Walking into random houses, driving the really expensive cars, taking what ever toys I wanted, and so on. Thats exactly what is going to happen after this thing is over.

Ah, you too huh? ...Every day I come home, I see you sitting there, watching the life around you. Probably because you think your's is almost over. I've herd about you. Maybe not to the same degree, but I know how it feels. I've been there...not as much as you, but I have. Nothing to be proud of I know, but the choices we made in the past...were necessary.

Garbage

2004

-Apartment-

"Useless piece of shit!"

The anger is boiling over and I just can't control my self. My hand is on his throat digging deeper and deeper into the skin. I can no longer feel my other arm. It's like on autopilot, just smashing into his face. With every hit his face looks less and less recognizable. Cheek bones and the nose are melting in with the rest of the face. Blood gushing everywhere. The puddle is growing and I'm starting to see my own reflection.

Looking over at you, under all those tears, I see the look of satisfaction. You've suffered enough. He took you to hell and back. Used you like a fucking rag doll!

I want to hit him again...but he no longer looks human.

Hero

1994

-Basement-

I miss you so much! I miss the walks we had through the park. I miss that look you always gave me when you were proud of me. I remember you were so proud of me when I conquered my fright of the ferris wheel. Every time I got on it, all these horrible images would fill my head. Many of them had to do with the ferris wheel stopping and leaving me all the way at the top with no way down. The worst one was the cabin braking off and dropping to the ground. You were always patient. You told me that I could beat any fear. You explained the odds of something like that happening are zero to none.

"There is no point in getting all worked up for something that probably might never happen."

I will never loose this. I know how much it meant to you. You fought for a little piece of that freedom. The odds were against you, yet you never gave up...you never surrendered. They kept pushing, and for those 14o horrifying days you pushed back. Because of you, that city is called the Hero City. You will forever be my hero.

Clueless

2008

-Bed-

With your hand on top on my chest you start to fondle with my chain. I still can't believe you got that tattoo on your wrist. Two, blue little birds? I think your addicted. When I first met you, you already had three. Little flower on your left ankle and the two stars on both sides of your pelvis...which I find fucking irresistible.

You hold up my cross and ask "Are you Catholic?"

"Not really..." damn I should have thought that through before I answered. Your eyebrows lowered and I can see you weren't expecting that answer.

"What you mean not really? Why are you wearing it then?"

"It was a gift. I also like the shape of it...just have to take off the gymnast!"

"Thats not a gymnast, it's Jesus!...wait, you really don't believe in God?"

...oh if I could only be honest with you, I just don't have the energy. I should have just said yes and ended the conversation there. I've been with girls like you before...I can read you like a book. Oblivious to reality. This will lead into hours and hours of you trying to explain to me that there is God. Why do people always try and pull you into what they believe in. Everyone makes their religion sound so perfect. God will take you to heaven, Allah will give you seventy two virgins... Give me a fucking brake. No one knows what happens after we die. If believing in something works for you, doesn't mean it'll work the same for others. Chasing uncertainty is not for me.

"We were clueless...so we created God, to explain our own creation."

Please Be A Dream

2002

-Car-

I shouldn't even be here! It's too early in the day to do this kind of shit. My stomach is doing back flips and my head feels like its being cracked open with a sledge hammer. What a bad fucking situation!

As soon as I get out of this car and the cold winter breeze hits me in the face, I will realize how much in deep shit I really am. Where is my god? Why is it only in situations like this do we test our faith? I have no faith in me, yet I still pray for that phone not to ring.

There is a hundred ways this can go horribly wrong! What is going to happen after I help them? There is no way I can just walk away from this knowing what I know. How the fuck did I get my self into this shit? I want to wake up right now! Please let it be a dream!
With a concerned look on his face, he stares at that phone. What an evil mother fucker! Just let it be. Nothing is ever enough for you scum bags.

When that phone rings, an innocent man's life will be placed in my hands. If I tell him a lie, he will die. If I warn him...

Shirt

2008

-Room-

Please don't pour me anymore.
Few more shots and I will slam my face on that floor!

Look at you laying there, one hand squeezed between your thighs...the other one pulling on the bed sheet. Short black skirt I asked you to wear tonight, and my white dress shirt that you kept from Sunday. Never mind the heavy breathing and moaning, its your eyes that are telling me you want to feel my weight on top of you. You have no idea how hard it is to control my self and...god your sexy lips are just driving me crazy.

Remembering two nights ago...
I already know how hot this is going to get.

Not A Killer

1993

-Apartment-

Why are they shaking? They are shaking so much! I've never felt this way before. I'm scared shitless and I'm starting to feel dizzy. It hasn't been more then seven seconds and my hands are already tired. I can barely hold it. The sweat from my forehead is running down my face ...I want to throw up. No child should ever have to feel this way.

I see he is scared too. He can't decide to either take it from me or leave the apartment. The last thing I herd out of his mouth was

"Oh fuck! ...hey kid take it ea..."

then all the sounds started to fade. I see his lips moving as he slowly progresses towards the busted door...I just can't hear him. The only thing I can hear is my heart beat. Feels like time has stopped.

The movies make it look so easy. Pop! ...and the bad guy goes down. Why can't I pull the trigger? Every time Dad takes me to the woods, I've never had a problem pulling the trigger. It even feels good to release a shot and see the bottle shatter into a million pieces.

Maybe it's because of that girl from the fourth floor. I never knew a life could be taken away so fast. I also never got to tell her that I liked her. She was the cutest girl on the block and she always had that goofy smile on her face whenever she ate ice cream.
Seeing her cross that street...poor girl never saw it coming.